eros, logos: a grain of sand

Thursday, January 22, 2009

a grain of sand

I took a marine biology class in college and became fascinated by interstitial creatures. These are the creatures that exist in the spaces between, microscopic creatures that make up a whole world in between two grains of sand. So too do lovers invent a whole world and a mythology for themselves, stories we like to tell ourselves and others, and in the case of an affair this illusion of a separate and perfect world is only heightened.

Affairs are interstitial creatures too. They necessarily exist in the spaces between: between the events of your other life, the real one, on the fringes of a completed world.

Some rules to remember: (see here for my post Geometry on the axioms of an affair)

Rule one: The lover will always win over the spouse. The game is rigged from the start. The limited amount of time together means that every encounter is erotically charged, emotionally significant, in a way that would wear off in another relationship, a normal one. You always see each other at your best, and you're always making that effort to present yourself at your best. You don't have to fight over bill paying or look at them bleary eyed the next morning after taking care of a sick child all night. So hands down, it's a contest that the lover wins, effortlessly. It's very easy to think that someone is perfect when you've only spent four weekends together in a hotel, shagging with abandon, not thinking for once about anything in your 'normal' life.

Rule two: The spouse will always win over the lover. This isn't a contradiction. Sometimes marriages will end over an affair, but not often, and not often in order to be with the lover. The very mundane bonds mentioned above that ensure that the lover will always win the romance/erotic contest hands down are what hold the marriage--and every lasting relationship-- together. The comfortable routines of cooking together, falling asleep together. Holiday routines. The entwining of your families, friends, your finances, your lives.

Anne Sexton wrote it best, in a poem saying farewell to her lover, fellow poet WD Snodgrass:

Let's face it, I have been momentary.
A luxury. A bright red sloop in the harbor.
My hair rising like smoke from the car window.
Littleneck clams out of season.
She is more than that. She is your have to have,
has grown you your practical your tropical growth.
This is not an experiment. She is all harmony.
She sees to oars and oarlocks for the dinghy,
has placed wild flowers at the window at breakfast,
sat by the potter's wheel at midday,
set forth three children under the moon,
three cherubs drawn by Michelangelo,
done this with her legs spread out
in the terrible months in the chapel.

.....I am tired of existing in the spaces between a life.

To see a world in a grain of sand,
And a heaven in a wild flower,
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand,
And eternity in an hour.
William Blake, Auguries of Innocence

Labels: exhaustion, geometry, sand, sexton

posted by O @ 15:27


17 Comments:
At 22 January, 2009, Anonymous said… So beautifully written. And so true. I hope you will continue to post....I take great comfort in reading your blog, as my situation is somewhat similar. You are able to express in words some of the turmoil I feel. Thank you. At 22 January, 2009, O said… Oh thank you, ariella! It's because I get feedback from people in similar situations that I'm able to go on. Thank you so much for reading and commenting. I'm going to force myself as part of self-imposed therapy to keep posting, so no worries there. It's easier when I get feedback from people like you though. thank you, again. At 22 January, 2009, Anonymous said… I'm reminded of one of my posts, "Moments", where I was contemplating living in the spaces between. It's in those moments where we live a lifetime and where heartache resides. It's never enough, we're always left yearning for more. It's torture. At 22 January, 2009, Frequent Traveler said… Good Thursday afternoon to you, O. Your two rules are correct, O. And Anne Sexton also wrote it beautifully. Life changes when you don't go there. When you make the conscious choice to avoid anyone who is involved with someone else, no matter what their justifications, explanations or reasons. It took me a long time to understand that... And I went through massive pain until I did. Every involvement is a decision. Things don't just "happen" unless we in some way - create, promote or allow them. We are more powerful than we know, in that respect. I used to not understand why HE didn't do what I wanted/end up with me. I refused to acknowledge that my choice was an ineffective one, and that if he would break his promises and lie to her, he would do the same / lie to me, and would I want a liar in my life ? Now the answer in "no". Affairs cannot start or survive on truth in every aspect. But happiness can survive with truth in every aspect...And that takes not subscribing to the thrill of the illusion... I wish they taught this stuff in junior high.... At 22 January, 2009, Helen said… This is insanely great. I'm going to go reread it. Right now. At 22 January, 2009, A Sinful Affair said… Perfect...I read this a couple of times and couldnt have said it any better...super job explaining! At 22 January, 2009, alphagirl said… O, so very true...it is the space inbetween that exists that is special but ends up being oh so painful in the end. I too am tired of existing in the inbetween... much love, alphagirl At 22 January, 2009, selkie said… how sad, O, I'm sorry for your pain, I can feel the ache seeping through the words which weep of the page. (Tennyson's Two Loves) Then straight the first did turn himself to me And cried, 'He lieth, for his name is Shame, But I am Love, and I was wont to be Alone in this fair garden, till he came Unasked by night; I am true Love, I fill The hearts of boy and girl with mutual flame.' Then sighing, said the other, 'Have thy will, I am the love that dare not speak its name.' I am coming to conclusin, myself, that there is NO shame in loving true. At 22 January, 2009, L. said… I may have to plagiarize this whole post and send it to my paramour. Brilliant. I love that Geometry one, too. At 22 January, 2009, Anonymous said… That is straight up sense darling...painful as it might be to digest. At 23 January, 2009, L. said… This may be a duplicate comment, because I keep coming back to this post and re-reading it. I wouldn't want to be the one shoring up someone's marriage and yet, even as I have my own dull and boring marriage, there's something here. I like being the Rule one lover. I like having the Rule two fallback. I feel like the most selfish person on earth. Sometimes the luckiest, but I'm Catholic enough for that not to last. At 23 January, 2009, Semele said… Hmmm - I know that feeling of tiredness all too well. On the plus side, I can tell you it was a relief when I finally made the leap... At 23 January, 2009, DnWormer said… The paradox written about in this post is something which has driven me crazy as I have contemplated marriage at various stages of my life. At 23 January, 2009, Moi said… That was gorgeous, O. While I was reading, I thought how similar it is to being an escort/courtesan. In an affair, however, the currency is your heart. I hear your weariness. I send you a hug. At 23 January, 2009, goodgirl said… I should be tired of it too. It seems that just when I tell myself I can't do it anymore, moments later I decide that I just don't want to stop existing in those spaces between a life. At 23 January, 2009, A. Secret said… I first discovered your Geometry post way back when Her, of Desire-X linked it. I can't tell you how many times I have come back to re-read it. It appears that this lovely post will be it's P.S. XX At 26 January, 2009, O said… mybutton, I don't know that post of yours; I'll go right now to read it. Hugs, O Annie, Oh I wish they taught it then too! You've been a great help. Helen, thank you! ASN, thanks for reading and liking. alphagirl, I know you've been there, are there still. selkie, I think you're right. Thank you so much for the Tennyson. L, I'd be honoured. I'm so glad you like the geometry one too. southerngirl, truth often does hurt, I find. semele, thank you. L, btw, I totally identify, as another (ex)catholic girl. mnwhr, I often wonder whether it's possible to sustain that kind of erotic intensity alongside a daily life...I think it's rare, too rare. Gilette, you know my heart. goodgirl, it's a decision I seem to keep making as well. A. Secret, Thank you! I think that geometry post is my favorite post. This means a lot coming from you.
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