This seems so surrealistic. Powerful and gripping.
Is it fidelity or infidelity? And if it is fidelity, to whom?

 

I found it difficult to read this post, and I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because I myself have quite alot of experience with being unfaithful (interesting word, no?) I've always told myself that these worlds can be separated, that one does not touch the other. This is, of course, a lie, in a way that your post exposes ruthlessly.

I'm hesitant to say this, because it may come across as unfair, but I think you are smart enough to have had this thought yourself: How can she not know? How can she tolerate his touch? Would it not burn? She lives in a house that doesn't exist. How can she not see that?

In my life, there have been times when I enjoyed telling lies. Reading this, I wonder if he does also. Even the lie that one world does not touch the other -- yes, I enjoyed that lie too.

 

Mu Ling,

"unfaithful"--usually a ridiculous word in these contexts. Fidelity has nothing to do with mere monogamy, and genuine betrayals are of the spirit and not of the flesh.

I do not think it is always a lie, to claim such worlds are separate. they can be quite often, for those who can divorce (another interesting word) body and mind.

She does not know. Like the Liar's paradox, he expressed something which was both true eternally for all and yet also false-- when spoken to me. There is at least as much passion in his touch when touching her--in fact, more--but the paradox lies in that the 'more' is because of me. A matter for another post, and soon.

Her house exists and is far, far more real than any space he and I inhabit together, both literally and figuratively.

There most certainly are people who enjoy the lie. I have been one, once, and I have been very well acquainted with a man who enjoys that always--Someone for whom betrayal is itself an erotic act--it took me a long time to understand that about that man.

This is not the case here. This is someone who is extremely faithful.

The lie that one world does not touch the other is a necessary one in these circumstances, and one which I have clung to most desperately. Things fall apart though, the centre cannot hold.

 

T,

As ever, you see to the heart of the matter. Fidelity is not monogamy....nor is it a matter of words or the flesh.

It may well seem surrealistic; it felt that way to me while it was happening, and this is likely reflected in how I wrote it. But I can promise all dialogue is completely accurate: I wrote it all down straight away, right after it happened,--and as always with anything important, I couldn't write the rest of the post til a few hours later.

Love
O

 

i think he knows the answer, as do you...and i. once again, your writing is delicious.

 

Ah, do you think he has any idea of how his words affected you?

 

The writing is delicious, yes, but what could be more perfect that the tags?

 

His statements protect the paradigm. Help him cling to the precipice that you speak of.
“I thought of you last night” brings that edge close, while “I am fully present to her” keeps him from losing the grip of the archetype he holds of his reality.
What will not allow the center to hold is the contradictory nature of each side. This is where the worlds no longer remain seperate.

 

His statements protect the paradigm. Help him cling to the precipice that you speak of.
“I thought of you last night” brings that edge close, while “I am fully present to her” keeps him from losing the grip of the archetype he holds of his reality.
What will not allow the center to hold is the contradictory nature of each side. This is where the worlds no longer remain seperate.

 

Faithful/Unfaithful...Lies...
Truths...Secrets...Fidelity... Betrayal...

As you said: this is "not a matter of words or the flesh." It's something else that will forever exist without a sufficient name; something that maybe only the spirit of art or music or poetry or... suffering can elude to.

...And so our love's not a simple thing
Nor our truths unwavering
Like the moon's pull on the tide
Our fingers touch our hearts collide
I'll be a moonsbreath by your side

Loreena McKennitt

 

You said you feel something is changing. What is changing? On which end is it changing - yours or his or both?

Have you ever wanted more from him than what he has been able to give? If not, how do you keep yourself from wanting more? I know that I am greedy and I find myself wanting more while knowing that I can't have more.

 

What a post.
Very powerful and familiar.
i held my breath reading these exposing words.
Then i sighed.

Did you feel hopeless? Or was it a confirmation? Do you have hope? Or have you accepted?

Ryder leaves words that are complimentary and a softer version of your impactful scene.

 

The separateness of the worlds is an interesting phenomenon - I always wonder if it truly exists no matter how hard each of us wants to believe that we can keep our emotions in their little boxes in our heads - the divorce of body and mind...

It is not a lie to love more than one person and O, you are so correct to tell mu ling that "...genuine betrayals are of the spirit and not the flesh."

Sex is not the betrayal - but the meeting of the minds, of the souls and of the body - the combination of all your senses with anothers - being in sync - that is where the issues lie - sex is just, well, getting off with another person in the room. But the connection on the more important levels is what always makes it hard to live in those separate worlds...

alphagirl

 

I feel sorry for the wife and how she must feel when she or if she finds out. Unlovable, ugly, worthless, betrayed... her spirit ripped apart into a million little pieces.

 

Max,
Thank you...but really you do me too much credit, both in complimenting me and in thinking I know the answer. I don't, actually...

very best,
O

 

Darling Swain,

I'm so glad you noticed, and not surprised that you did. They're my favourite part. ;)

with love
O

 

Ryder,

I think you are exactly right: What will not allow the center to hold is the contradictory nature of each side.

It's what made me think of the Liar's Paradox, these statements that are false when true and true when false. precisely--thanks.

best
O

 

AAgirl,

I have a hard time explaining to myself how this affected me, and in what way. More soon, I think, if i can retain the nerve to write it.

Love
O

 

Tea,

How lovely to see you still! Thank you for the lyrics; I'll think about this.

Love
O

 

Anna,

Many good questions, not all of which i can answer. Not sure what is changing. Something is set in motion with these words though, something between us changes. (i'm catching up).

Have you ever wanted more from him than what he has been able to give? If not, how do you keep yourself from wanting more?

This is something that has changed. I am very strict with myself; I have a number of rules for my behaviour, I watch myself all the time. I won't let myself ask for what he can't give; I am grateful for the little I have because I am always morbidly aware that I am fortunate to have anything at all. I try to set limits where he cannot, because i would rather hurt myself than be an instrument of harm to her. (or him).

Still, it is hard. I want things I have never had with him, and it feels almost like missing them, but how can I miss what we've never had? but it's true; I'll be out at dinner with a friend and think of the conversation he and I would be having... I have more to post on this soon.

Love
O

 

Toy,

Also good questions. If I said yes to all you'd probably think I'm being elusive, but that is sort of the right answer here...a strange mixture.

best
O

 

alphagirl,

I think you are exactly right. The sex is the least important thing, really. And that is exactly the problem. He and I wouldn't have been together sexually were it not for there being more than sex involved, and this is also what makes it dangerous and ultimately untenable.

Love
O

 

i know exactly what you speak of.

the mind is so powerful and yet some do not realize this.

love the way you write. intense.

 

I feel sorry for the wife and how she must feel when she or if she finds out. Unlovable, ugly, worthless, betrayed... her spirit ripped apart into a million little pieces.

 

Gracie,

Thanks for reading. I'm really enjoying your blog btw, and will be adding your link soon--

The mind is its own place and in itself, can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven. --just about the only Milton quote I know, never having read paradise Lost yet. Your comment made me think of it...

best
O

 

ED,

My biggest fear has been that she would find out, and not for the reason someone might think--because of what it would mean for me and him. (There's no question he and I would be over then--she'd make it a condition, I am sure--and there is no question that she matters more.) I can't bear the thought of being the instrument of harm to someone innocent--as she is.

She would feel betrayed, yes. There are many ways though in which he has not betrayed her; for one, he's never misled me, he loves her very much, and has never spoken of her with anything but love and with respect.

It would be cold comfort, but I am convinced that he hasn't ever loved her less, simply because he loves me, a little.

But the other things aren't true, and I don't ever want her to feel that way. Nor would I want to be responsible for someone else feeling that way.

My feelings about her, as you might guess, are very complicated. I'll be writing a lot about them in the coming posts.

The main reason I would never want her to know, apart from my own desire not to cause her harm, is that unfortunately for me I love the person who loves her. I know his real happiness has nothing to do with me, and I want him to be happy more than I want to be happy.

best
O

 

He does sound like a man who really insn't sure what he wants - unless it's that he wants the best of both worlds, which seems impossible.

Looks like you might have a hard choice coming up soon. :\

 

Dear Shay,

In the main, he knows what he wants, and it's what he has--and not me.

He has this life...It's a lovely life, it's an american dream life, and I don't mean that in a fucked-up john cheever or richard yates or tom perotta even kind of way. It's the real americandream life.

I made him feel like it was a dreamlife, though--do you see? I did not mean to.

love
O

 

O

Wow - i have only just caught up here and this is a truly thought provoking post with some equally powerful comments.

Like him, i am committed and "faithful" to my marriage as my primary life. I do not want that to change and will not allow it to change. His relationship with you is an enhancement to the primary life, that “real American dream”. Does he feel selfish? Most certainly I would imagine. It is an incredibly emotional balancing act to live two separate lives. For me these two lives cross over and co-exist, regardless of how much i try to keep them separate. I am one, with two lives and loves to meet my needs. But to give it up would be to renounce my sexual being which simply is not an option.

What I struggle with here is how he would want to have this phone conversation with you at all. It just seems cruel and unnecessary. What Ryder said is very poignant. If he truly wants to keep the status quo and “the center to hold” surely he should not be encouraging both sides to collide?

Just my thoughts anyway.

Love
Scarlett x

 

Dear Scarlett,

I wish he were as clear about his situation as you are about yours. That is, I would wish for him to be able to maintain the balancing act.

He can't.
In your case, you seem to have achieved this accomodation. Even so, despite your strength, from what you say you find there is this overlap.

This is horribly difficult for him. He tells me these things because I am now the repository of all his secrets. This might sound comforting for him, but it is not, because I am also the source of new secrets that he is now suddenly keeping from everyone else in his life.

you and Ryder are very right to point out "if he wants to maintain the status quo"....He doesn't, not really.
It's not tolerable for him, and I see many attempts on his part to upset it, with me or with her.

xoxo
O

 

Hi O,
I posted a comment awhile back and linked you to my blog because I really enjoy reading you.
I also have a mutual interest with you and would love to talk to you. Why, I am not too sure, other than to say you have become my hero.