eros, logos: arise, awake

Monday, September 18, 2006

arise, awake

I don't dream. This cannot be true; we all dream, but I so rarely remember my dreams it feels as though I don't have them. The country of sleep is closed off to me.

Two nights ago I did. I dreamt of her, I dreamt of the Other, the wife.

My subconscious is not very subtle, at all.
Not for me it seems, those dreams Nabokov describes: an airplane ride which is also a memory of one's first sexual encounter, a tuba which is also an elderly relative.
My dream was alarmingly literal--but still, this is how it happened.

I was living there with them under some pretence or other, and he and I were secretly lovers.
Not so odd. In a way I do live with them. My ghostly presence is there in many ways. This is one of the things that is hard about an affair. I am present to him even when I am absent. This me, not-me that is always there and isolates him.

In my dream she and I fought, although she did not know about me and him.
I mean a real fight, and not a girl-fight with hair pulling and scratching--A knock-down fight, we were hitting each other.
(I used to fight like that, I was a bad girl.* The rules of engagement are, hit first, hit hard, hit dirty.)
I don't like you, I told her.
I wanted to hurt her.

But I couldn't do it. I knew I could hurt her and I wanted to. But my anger somehow drained away and I couldn't let myself do it, and so she hit me, and hit me, and I just held her off and blocked what I could until eventually she became tired of hitting me.
(I used to be hit like that too, once.)

Afterwards we were calm, like sisters that have fought, (---it's not really that I don't like you, I said to her, but you remind me of my sister--I know she said), and we walked somewhere together, somewere vast and echoing, I think it was a church. We sat and we talked in whispers, unseen feet rang on the stone floor around us.

I am worried about X, she told me, something is happening to him and I don't understand what it is.
You should talk to him.
I think it would be good for him.
Last night X woke up, and I could not understand what he was saying.
But I think you can.
(She used a name here, but it is not his name. In the logic of dreams I knew that I knew his secret name, and he'd been saying mine.)

I couldn't answer her, I felt despair. I was fumbling for some plausible lie I could tell her in the dream, some excuse for why I couldn't have that conversation without alerting her to the reason why...I felt trapped.

The phone woke me. Him.

*Note to self: do not watch season three of Buffy late at night.

posted by O @ 19:46


17 Comments:
At 18 September, 2006, Unknown said… I am glad that he called... Such a hard time. Pain for you both. At 19 September, 2006, Aragorn said… Dreams are so volatile, the mean so much and yet so little ... I am often puzzled by their images, reflective, trying to pierce through them, to find, again and again, that they only mean what I make of them ... tightly connected to me, to my emotions ... Kisses - A At 19 September, 2006, Anonymous said… Like you the dreams I can remember are literal. Ones that seem decisively tied to a specific or current event. Even then they are hard to recall, bits and pieces that I give meaning to. I hope the waking was pleasant and welcome. Not one that extends the time it takes to heal. Make sure that you are OK first and foremost. The rest will come to you then. Be well O. At 19 September, 2006, Anonymous said… Dearest O - in all the writing of yours that I have had the pleasure to read, it is true that you have rarely spoken of dreams (though your words retain an enduring dream-like, mesmerising quality). So to hear you speak of this dream with such lucidity ... Well, I hope the clarity of it has helped to crystallise thoughts in your mind. I would never claim to be one who interprets the mysticism of the dreamworld, but a lucidity and clearness of thought - an understanding, even - is the message I take from your description of your sleeping thoughts. Your dream world is as fascinating as the dream-like quality of your writing. At 20 September, 2006, ArtfulDodger said… i've been having these dreams with more and more regularity lately, images and themes not that different than you have described. i wish they would stop. :) At 20 September, 2006, alphagirl said… O, It is so hard to 'be' the other woman some days...so hard to be seperate yet connected to the one you love...so hard to know when to walk away and when to stay...when to push (just a bit) and when not to...I never dream of her but often of him and I fighting it out and will he leave... and the reality is that I will not give up what I have in my life anymore than he will in his - even after almost 7 years - which in some ways feels unreal to me... why is life and love so complicated sometimes? the only answer I have is that 'we' make it that way... I try, as you do, not to remember what I dream...just sets me on edge for the most part... At 21 September, 2006, T - Another Geek Girl said… Is it the fact that the nights are growing colder perhaps? My dreams have become much more disturbing and vivid lately. I'm glad he called though. There seems to be much that your mind wants to say to him that you are obviously internalizing. It will come out in its own way. Come back to bed and play scrabble with me. I don't have the Q ho! Love you darling! At 21 September, 2006, O said… dBd, kisses for you. love O At 21 September, 2006, Anonymous said… "Like a brick wrapped in paper and thrown through the front window." Isn't that what you said? Kiss. At 22 September, 2006, O said… A--I'm sending you that list sweetie! xxx O At 22 September, 2006, O said… ryder, Sounds like we dream alike. Thanks for your wishes; I am happy to report that I am very very well. O At 22 September, 2006, O said… PDD, thank you for such kind words, and good thoughts for me and my writing both. I appreciate it, best O At 22 September, 2006, O said… Art, I'm not surprised! ;) I hope they do stop though--You are much in my thoughts. Love O At 22 September, 2006, O said… T, How can the nights be cold, naked in bed playing scrabble with you? Looking for the Q....and other things too. kisses, O At 22 September, 2006, O said… alphagirl, sounds like you have a story to tell... Thanks for commenting, it means a lot from you. Maybe nothing worth having is easy... Thinking of you; love O At 22 September, 2006, O said… AA-girl, Like a note wrapped around a brick, flumg through the plate glass window of my consciousness... My subconscious is such a little vandal. Sure, it all starts in good fun with a few drinks in the pub, and then there's the ritual shop-window smashing, and the inevitable throwing-up of the curry. kisses, O At 27 September, 2006, greenlacewing said… I find it a beautiful dream.
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