eros, logos: the play's the thing

Friday, September 29, 2006

the play's the thing

I can't sleep. When I sleep my dreams continue to be strange and overly literal. Somewhat hilariously, the dreamed-him is sometimes far shorter than the real. Just about my height, in dreams. I'll settle for dreaming him diminished along with me til I can dream myself embiggened.

I dream I'm sitting across a seminar table from him; it's my university and not his, but his subject not mine.
(But I shut 'em down all the same---including him.)

I dream we're at a hotel, I think it's a ski resort somewhere in the American West. Big Sky or Jackson Hole, or somewhere in Utah, places I know he has never been. He is there with wife and friends, I am there with friends. This is some sort of arranged yet secret meeting. He won't stop touching me in public. He takes me by the hand and fucks me standing against the wall in a corridor with many people walking by.
Her friends won't look at me. I can't withstand the pressure of all this hatred beamed at me by these women. They don't talk to me, they lecture him. He doesn't stop taking off my clothes, but he talks to them and not me.
I am a prop in some performance.
He seems to like this attention and his audience, so long as no one tells her.

I dream I'm looking in my mirror. I see her in the mirror, reflected behind me in this room.
Turning towards her I lift my face off like a mask and hand it to her.
Take it, I tell her. It's all I have.

When she puts it on I know it will sink under her own skin, vanish into her. She'll have it forever secretly.

She smiles.

And since you know you cannot see yourself,
so well as by reflection, I, your glass,
will modestly discover to yourself,
that of yourself which you yet know not of.

sex, shakespeare ,sexblogs, mask, dream, imposter

posted by O @ 04:06


29 Comments:
At 30 September, 2006, Karl Elvis said… there are people i know, far away and never met physically - of whom i'd give anything to dream. Dreams, even fleeting, would give life, taste, smell, texture, to long-distance longing and desire. Alas; my subconscious will not cooperate, will not fabricate a skin for people who are real, but un-met. I would kill, or nearly so, so invite certain people into my dreams. But no blood spilled will bring them closer in my mind's eye. At 30 September, 2006, Tara Tainton said… This particular entry makes me analyze my own unexpected dreams all the more. I love how dreams make us wake up with deeply infused feelings and attitudes, color the rest of the day, and often reveal something new about ourselves we didn't know before. At 30 September, 2006, greenlacewing said… Beautiful writing about difficult dreams. At 30 September, 2006, Anonymous said… Oh my darling girl, I know you know this, but they will fade in time. They will become a distant memory (soon I hope) Sigh, in the meantime we have birthday extravaganza plans to make, a harlot only turns 28 once!!! At 30 September, 2006, Anonymous said… Her-O: talk about embodying the Other... I have found that my dreams are very useful in helping me work things out or see a solution to a problem. Thinkig of you, -p At 30 September, 2006, O said… K to the E, What a lovely comment. I know very well what you mean, but could not have expressed it so well... I wish you luck and happiness with your dreams and waking life both. Love O At 30 September, 2006, Karl Elvis said… Y'know, i was hopped up on goofballs last night when i wrote that. I don't even remember doing it. At 30 September, 2006, O said… The goofballs explain why you read me. ;) At 30 September, 2006, O said… Tara, Yes-- but i find it a bit creepy too...Thank you! best O At 01 October, 2006, O said… greenlacewing, Thank you--I appreciate it. xx O At 01 October, 2006, O said… scarlet, my harlot! soon now! there will be much alcohol, and probable even ice cream...we have loads to celebrate! love O At 01 October, 2006, O said… P, Thanks, love. I like the mirror showing up, reminds me also of de Beauvoir: a woman is a mirror with the mazing power of reflecting a man at twice his actual size and herself at only half of her own. Or something like that. Thinking of you also, as ever, your O At 01 October, 2006, Anonymous said… That was beautiful and awful all at once. You must have been shaken when you woke up. At 01 October, 2006, alphagirl said… O, I hate dreams that make me feel like I have given away some part of myself and have lost the small amount of control that in waking hours I pretend I have over my life. Once again a beautiful post that speaks volumes about the issues faced by those of us who chose to let those not free to be involved with us into our heads and hearts. And while we chose freely and with all our hearts and brains (because it is not any fun if our brain is not engaged too) it is never easy to feel love and feel lost at the same time. I am thinking of you lovely O and hope you find a way to sleep without dreaming... alphagirl At 02 October, 2006, T - Another Geek Girl said… I had that exact same dream. Only it was you and me. And you couldn't keep your hands off of me. You dirty little slut! At 02 October, 2006, O said… T, That wasn't a dream! Love, O At 02 October, 2006, O said… alphagirl, thank you so much for this. this is so true: I hate dreams that make me feel like I have given away some part of myself and have lost the small amount of control that in waking hours I pretend I have over my life. very, very true. Thank you. very best wishes O At 02 October, 2006, O said… aagirl, the second was somehow more disturbing than the third, actually. oh well, what the hell... kisses O At 03 October, 2006, Anonymous said… To dream is not to sleep, but to travel beyond the boundaries of our flesh... loved your blog* At 03 October, 2006, Unknown said… There is so much to dreams. So much to let your mind think over and explore.. Sometimes they bring peace. Sometimes answers. Sometimes only more questions. At 03 October, 2006, T - Another Geek Girl said… You painted my roses red. You painted my roses red! You dared to paint with vulgar taint My lovely flower bed! And I loved every minute of it. Mwah! At 03 October, 2006, O said… Ain't nothing vulgar 'bout my taint, babe! kisses O At 03 October, 2006, T - Another Geek Girl said… By vulgar i meant pink, wet and tasting like strawberry pie. Ooops, did I say that out loud? heh At 04 October, 2006, Anonymous said… "Its a place where you will learn To face your fears, retrace the tears And ride the whims of your mind Commanding in another world Suddenly, you hear and see This magic new dimension" O, I am reminded of the above. I had to listen to it again. and again. Silent Lucidity. Where we all seem to dream at times. At 05 October, 2006, O said… I know people who make strawberry CoolWhip (sp?) pie: involving a packet of jello and a lot of coolwhip. At 06 October, 2006, T - Another Geek Girl said… That taint the kind of pie I was talking about ;) At 06 October, 2006, Anonymous said… taint strawberry pie with cool whip. Ahem, so now I have THAT to think about all day. Great! At 18 October, 2006, Anonymous said… Thank you so much, your writing regularly inspires me. I look forward to reading more of your work. At 18 October, 2006, O said… You are so kind--thank you! and thank you so much for featuring me on your site; I will be coming by often and will add your link asap. xoxo O
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