absolutely stunning post.

and that scene in 1984 made me laugh out loud.

 

i was disappointed to learn that orwell is not still required reading in high school. my step-son had never heard of '1984'.
i didn't know that about nin, but it's not suprising. I remember reading 'little birds' under the covers when i was about 12.
your post has got me thinking. my blog has posts about my life as well as works of fiction. i've just assumed people can tell the difference. i really am a guy. posts written from a female POV are fiction, but maybe i need to state that.
i don't know how much of my stuff you've read, but have you ever felt tricked?

 

Dearest O,

how I've missed you... please don't go anywhere. Write truths or lies or both or neither, but please keep blogging. I for one will keep reading. Your writing is addictive.

Love,

S&S

 

Brilliant. Especially that last line.

You are indeed one scholarly wench, but more than that, you are a compelling and compassionate writer. And that's why you give me Faith.

kissykiss,
chelsea girl

 

I feel for that woman behind the screen and the pain she must feel.

Sometimes.

How much more respect would that sort of person get if she told the truth of her life, however painful.

Brilliant post, dear. I'm glad you wrote it.

 

O,

I am glad you are back. Your writing always makes me think and always inspires me. I have struggled with my own blog because of the very thing you write of...how to be honest and yet anonymous. To write enough to find relief and clarity and not too much to 'be known'; to write honestly without being a revisionist.

I do think that all of us who write either a blog or a private journal can only give our perspective in the most honest way we can - but the reality is even if we are as honest as we can be the other person in the room will see it in a different light and from a different perspective.

We only know what we read on others blogs; some are honest some or not...I agree the fictionalists can cause harm to all and when I the writing "reveals the truth in time" as you wrote - I usually stop reading...

take care,

alphagirl

 

There is nothing, nothing, more terrifying than the truth. Awful or wonderful, it is inescapable and inherently discoverable. We cannot sidestep the authenticity of our lives.

 

The ironies of blogging are really quite amazing, aren't they? For instance, I feel that in order to write truthfully, I can't be "myself" in terms of revealing my actual name. Because if I do, I can't say what I like, because some I know will read me and get hurt, or want to hurt me. So in this way, I am, truthful as I may be in my words, a fiction.

And then there are the truths I choose to tell and those that I leave out, not to trick others, but because perhaps they don't interest me, or I think they won't interest readers, or I just haven't found words for them yet, or perhaps *I* haven't even realized they exist yet. So in this way, there is only a small sliver of me on the blog, and in this way, I am also both a truth and a lie to my readers, if omisisons are considered lies.

And yet...how can anyone ever represent one's full self in words? It's impossible. How can anyone ever REALLY know anyone?

And then, it seems, regardless of how up front you are, people WILL choose to create their own image of you in their head, and there is nothing to be done about that. And I find that thought both appealing and problematic. I am attracted to the thought of a mystique, even as I don't want one. It can be heady to be thought well of, even if you don't deserve it. (And it can be hurtful to be thought poorly of, even though you don't deserve it.)

And then there is the choice of whether or not to take things down you are no longer comfortable with. Deleting your blog from the public historical record and caches. Edits you can make when you realize down the road you phrased something poorly. Or readers who ask you to remove their comments that they have made in the past...

I struggle with these things as I try to keep my voice authentic. Integrity, both on and off the page, is a huge issue for me.

I find I am highly judgmental of people's choices to create "false blog identities." I don't think I will ever feel comfortable with that. I worry about the damage people cause by claiming their lives are a particular way, and by implication encouraging others to be the same, when in fact that reality doesn't exist. I've written posts about the danger.

But, in another sense, every text is a fiction, because it, and its author, becomes a concept and a story in the readers' mind...

So does it really matter? *I* think it does, but...

And where is the line between integrity and deception drawn? It does make one wonder.

Perhaps the line is in whether one actually thinks about and struggles with these issues or not. Does the person care? Do they worry about deceiving others? Do they try to be up front if they are being primarily fictional? If they are unable to be fully open?

 

Sweet. Love this.

This cuts close to me. I have felt this temptation, in small, insiduous ways. And it becomes harder to resist with every entry too, the longer and more telling my documented history becomes. I've always tried to fight it, because it really is ultimately a battle for my sanity.

For me, this is a sobering reminder of how fast it could grow big and ugly and dark, with every tiny leeway given to blurring the line between fantasy and fact. Thank you.

Love,
learn

 

The political parallels between 1984 and sexblogging are valid; I never thought it to be true in 2005, but 2006 proved that in more ways than one.

I think where there's sex, there's also a lot of room for exageration, and fallacy, particularly where human physiology is concerned, and then in some cases there's the human ego. There are many who expect others to believe a wide array of sexual phenomena without an ounce of physical proof, and I could go on.

With the exception of blogs that focus more on fiction, and state that content is fiction, I believe half of what I read. If a person dedicates hours and hours strictly writing 'non fiction' about their sex life (not fiction, but strictly non fiction) then how true is it? I can't say I'm a fan of disclaimers on blogs either; I don't read anything that purports to be non fiction and carries a disclaimer. It's like the writer is yet to decide the difference, and hides behind a barrier.

Back to the political element though, this arena is no different to a school playground; the popular or supposedly group (it depends on perception) having to succeed at all costs, even if it means that they curtail the expression of another person through various means, that operate to lower the self esteem of an individual, and that's a terrible state of affairs, and a complete contradiction to the notion of freedom of expression, even freedom of speech.


Ultimately I don't think that the blogging medium is appropriate as an online 'Court of Law' or 'Judge Judy' type setup because the medium allows many to twist and turn each event, to gain allies, readership and whatever else. The only way I evaluate for myself is by observing the actions of others, how much they interfere in something that has nothing to do with them (and I've experienced that in 2006) and it irritated me to no end, but I can understand the need for people to prove their particular cases, and show a particular persona. As for me. I just write, and I'm selective on the personal content I post. In all honesty, I wouldn't write about my current sex life, because that's just me. As for my previous sexual life, it's different, but I wouldn't spend copious hours documenting my sexual life with a partner (if I had one). For what? For free? So others can dissect it, analyze it, and email each other about it?

I get more concerned when people are targetted, and those particular people haven't visibly done anything to me. It's only when that occurs that I question the various elements that make up the sex blogosphere, and the motives of other people.

 

Dear Anastasia,

I think "just write" and "be selective in the personal content you post" is really excellent advice for anyone writing a blog.

If a person
> dedicates hours and hours strictly writing 'non fiction' about their sex
> life (not fiction, but strictly non fiction) then how true is it?

That's a very good question, and not just for sex blogs, but all personal blogs. One of the things I had in mind were some of the famous cases of internet fraud, all of which were distinguished by the many, many hours the blogger devoted to chronlicing a life which was a lie. Many posts, endless time to answer emails and comments....too much life blogged to leave time for the living of it, is one way to put it.

I think you raise some interesting questions here. I sympathise wth your decision (and anyone's!!) not to post about their own sex life. I find I am often a couple of months behind in writing things about mine, and I believe many of the most important things are never written about by any of us--I don't know if you remember, but we'd talked about this issue once before, here. There's just something fundamentally strange about writing about these things.

The issue of disclaimers is an interesting one, and I think is connected to some points Miss Syl (and also learn) raise above. (I have a disclaimer of sorts, by the way, I feel i should point out!) I might agree with you, actually, but I'd need to know more about the kinds of disclaimers you mean. I'd really like to hear more of your thoughts on that.

It's very difficult to write about personal things. Why do it, you say, for free?--So others can dissect it, analyse it, email each other about it....ugh, i know if i thought about those things, I wouldn't be able to write anymore. It's a huge risk, and I know for myself I need that illusion of privacy when I write anything personal. I need to be able to pretend no one will read it. Why do people do it?--I don't know. I think we all have different reasons for writing the various sorts of things we do. I've often wondered about why. I can't say for certain why I do, even. I do know my own reasons have changed over time, and so has my writing, and I find I post less and reveal far, far less than I once did.

The only way I evaluate for myself is by observing the actions of others

I think that's all any of us can do. Sometimes out here it can feel like Rashomon, don't you think? Multiple versions of any event, multiple storytellers. I'd agree with you that what we see or read with our own eyes is the best evidence to go on. I feel quite confident that over time, the truth is always revealed to the perceptive reader.

this arena is no different to a school playground; the popular or supposedly group (it depends on perception)
I think you're absolutely right: it does depend on perception. I tend to think of bloggers as generally little atoms bouncing around out here. That probably has something to do with my own solipsitic style of blogging: i don't do memes, I don't comment a lot, and so on. There don't seem to me to really be cohesive 'groups'....but I have to say, high school seemed that way to me also, in defiance of what everyone else says about it, and that probably says something about my general obliviousness. I tended to not be aware of cliques and to move easily among them all without ever belonging to any. I never felt excluded, but I never felt 'included' or on the 'inside' either...but I'm far happier that way, actually. There's something about the concept of membership in a group that I don't like. I sign petitions and belong to political organisations, but social groups....I don't like the idea of them.

Sometimes it does seem a bit like the primary school playground here though: if you're friends with me, you can't be friends with her! sort of thing--but I stay far away from that, in blogging no less than in the rest of my life. It's just creepy. I prefer to judge everyone on their own merits, and based on my own interactions with them. It's the best evidence, after all, and avoids the Rashomon case.

Thanks as always for an interesting and perceptive comment---I appreciate it.

Best
O

 

Learn,

I love your comment. You understand my heart.

I was thinking about the wholesale, fullscale revisionists or fictionalists, it's true. I have no idea what it's like to be them; I try to imagine it.
And I mentioned the way in which everytime any of us tries to tell the truth about our lives, there is always this temptation to cut back, to leave out--or not to write at all.
That's the closest I can get to understanding them. At that moment when what we feel is reluctance, the pull of inertia, the desire to omit...somewhere inside I imagine a door opens in them, and a little voice says, Lie. Who would know?

I imagine it starting like that, and gaining inexorable momentum. Like you, the passage of time somehow makes it harder, the weight of the recorded history--having already revealed so much, it becomes harder I think, not easier.

I imagine the fictionalists, I imagine them as slipping under the water.

Love
O

 

acd,

That's a really, really good way of putting it.
Many people do exactly that though, don't you think? Sidestep the authenticity of their lives...some people can for years, and the internet is only one and a more recent form of escapism. There are many things we do, all of us, to avoid facing painful things.

The truth is always there though, as they say, and when we don't face it, it just corrodes from within.

You're not so anon, nor so cowardly. ;)
xxx
O

 

Alphagirl,
i am glad to be back, and to see you again also! I will be by your blog as soon as I can--today or tomorrow.

Yes, you and Syl and also Anastasia all raise what I am thinking of as the Rashomon point--I had in mind the overt fictionalists, someone who blogs a life which is the opposite of what they live.
But there is this other more subtle issue, the Rashomon issue, which is really about narrative, all narrative. To what extent can any single narrative be 'truthful'? and who decides what truth is?
These are questions that go beyond my ability to answer them, but i will consider them, and consider your points carefully.

I know for myself, I have felt uncomfortable at many times when writing, especially writing the most difficult and hence, most important things. I'll say more about that soon.

So glad to see you! take care

very best wishes
O

 

AAG,

How much more respect would that sort of person get if she told the truth of her life, however painful.

That's the deeply tragic and ironic thing. Someone falsifies their life to garner attention, sympathy, praise, --what have you--when they could probably achieve those very aims by just telling the truth about their life....especially the painful.

I can't imagine what that psychology is like. Needing praise so badly you'd covet it and hoard it, no matter what the source....and needing it even for things you know are fake. What good can it possibly be to you?

That's part of what I was thinking of, imagining that final moment.

Thank for reading, and for liking it.

Love
O

 

I'll be back--sorry. Too much to do! am answering comments in reverse order, will be back to do all soon.

thanks v much,
O

 

I think "just write" and "be selective in the personal content you post" is really excellent advice for anyone writing a blog.

The most recent example I can give is a post I actually deleted because it actually turned into something that would have affected too many people within my family, and this wasn’t sex related, just a general post regarding my week long absence. What I took to be a general everyday event, turned into something more and I had to actually call home to have it deleted.


That's a very good question, and not just for sex blogs, but all personal blogs. One of the things I had in mind were some of the famous cases of internet fraud, all of which were distinguished by the many, many hours the blogger devoted to chronlicing a life which was a lie. Many posts, endless time to answer emails and comments....too much life blogged to leave time for the living of it, is one way to put it.

I think you raise some interesting questions here. I sympathise wth your decision (and anyone's!!) not to post about their own sex life. I find I am often a couple of months behind in writing things about mine, and I believe many of the most important things are never written about by any of us--I don't know if you remember, but we'd talked about this issue once before, here. There's just something fundamentally strange about writing about these things.

If I wrote about my sex life at present…I wouldn’t get past my own nausea. Call it a change of priorities, or a case of being fed up with the mating game, or whatever else; it’s the culmination of many things, as well as the demands of parenting and working, as well as writing. I understand the limitations set by people, as well as the need to maintain a degree of distance (relating to outside careers and the like), but sometimes it’s difficult to reconcile the peculiarities that are. For example, a person will go beyond what the mainstream (circles, groups, etc) consider personal, and then when it all comes to the fore, they distance themselves from their work - and it’s not easy to write about intimacy and sex in a manner that appeals to many people. And it is work, because certain things are expressed in a way to get to the crux of the matter/story/event. So while I can surely understand the need for relative obscurity, at the back of my mind I’m thinking ‘why, it’s not like they dismembered someone.’ So these two things run together in my mind; to promote sexuality as something not to be ashamed of, and to somewhat distance oneself (not everyone does this, but a few do if the heat turns up a notch or three) contradicts the prime purpose of reducing the shame factor.

The issue of disclaimers is an interesting one, and I think is connected to some points Miss Syl (and also learn) raise above. (I have a disclaimer of sorts, by the way, I feel i should point out!) I might agree with you, actually, but I'd need to know more about the kinds of disclaimers you mean. I'd really like to hear more of your thoughts on that.

What makes non fiction appealing is its authenticity. Fiction is fun, sure, but non fiction is juicier because the reader glimpses (to a degree) the writer/blogger’s approach to their own set of challenges. The personal situations may differ, but the types of problems may be similar, and a reader (who may not have anyone to talk to about such things, or be in a rut, or whatever else) may view the writings as a form of advice, or another facet of similar problem they’ve experienced or are experiencing, so when a writer is iffy on this, by way of a disclaimer (which can be like a legal contract), it’s confusing, but it lessens the authenticity. I can understand the purpose of disclaimers, in that they’re supposed to serve as a preemptive warning to potential stalkers, but if a person’s unbalanced, a disclaimer isn’t going to reduce the risk of a stalker. Now when I think of it, anyone who writes about their personal life, right down to its intimate detail, does take risks. We take those risks as we write, because readers perceive things as they’d like to perceive them. So I don’t know whether a disclaimer is useful or is just another list of rules that are just words. In terms of content that relates to the physical elements or biological aspects (physical aspects of sexual arousal and so on), there are many inconistencies that should have disclaimers, but the most disclaimers are featured in personal blogs that don't write about the biological elements of sexuality. So many people may read things that are untrue, or wholly fictional, and then think that there's something wrong with them physically if they're not as sexually responsive as an article proclaims.

It's very difficult to write about personal things. Why do it, you say, for free?--So others can dissect it, analyse it, email each other about it....ugh, i know if i thought about those things, I wouldn't be able to write anymore. It's a huge risk, and I know for myself I need that illusion of privacy when I write anything personal. I need to be able to pretend no one will read it. Why do people do it?--I don't know. I think we all have different reasons for writing the various sorts of things we do. I've often wondered about why. I can't say for certain why I do, even. I do know my own reasons have changed over time, and so has my writing, and I find I post less and reveal far, far less than I once did.

I think one reason is a type of validation, which is fine. It all depends on what a writer desires, but I wouldn’t call a diarist a writer because a diary doesn’t involve any manipulation of language, it’s very simple, and repetitive. There’s a difference between the two, but they both have their appeal. Most people are curious about the lives of others, if we weren’t then the majority of the population would be sociopath and the success of blogging pretty much proves that there’s a need for memoirs but it can be risky and a person has to weigh up the pros and cons. I kind of use word ‘free’ even though nothing is for free, but in terms of writing for little payment (with the exception of comments as payments) I'm not sure of the value - in terms of myself. It doesn’t put food on the table, pay my bills, my child’s school fees but besides this, I don‘t get a creative buzz out of writing about my daily events. But it’s different for others, and that’s cool. It’s not to say that the few stories I get published pay all my bills, but they may pay for, let’s say a couple of school books or a school excursion, and that’s something that no commenter can give me, which is why my writing outside the blog is more valuable or meaningful to me, if that makes sense but at the same time I think it’s important for some type of cohesion rather than rivalry. Everyone has their own style, and preference. People express themselves differently, some things may or may not appeal; if a person doesn’t like certain content, then they can exercise their right not to read any further, and that’s it but not to take their sole view and transfer it across cyberspace to others, to say ‘don’t read this, because the person has this or that view.’ Every person has a different cultural background, and a different perception of life as it unfolds around them. Some people prefer blondes, others prefer chunky asses, and others still, don’t want to know about blondes and chunky asses (for example), and that’s the diversity that is.
The high school comparison is the closest I can come to describing a sometime phenomenon that I came across last year and it’s like the saying ‘too many cooks spoil the broth,’ meaning that one event, that’s between two people (or a small group of people) becomes something else when interference occurs, to the point where things are distorted, and no one knows who’s telling the truth, and is it possible to tell the complete truth? Blogs are mainly for entertainment value: literary, fun, etc.

Thank you for your response... :)

 

chelsea,

Coming from you, this means more than it could from any other.
You know I hate it when you make me get all weepy.

faithfully yours,
O

 

shy and shameless,

yay! you're back! i am so glad...i checked in on you recently a few times and you hadn't updated. I saw you did the other day---

Thank you for this. But i know what side of that line I am on...and I have no talent for fiction, unfortunately. :)

yrs
O

 

SSS,

I never did read orwell in school. Isn't that awful? You'd think 1984 would be required reading...or at least his great essay, Politics and the English Language. I'll have to read that again.

I've read a lot of your stuff! not much of anything anywhere in the last 8 weeks though, due to life and work stuff. :) I never felt tricked. I always felt you did a surprisingly good job with the female POV stuff....i think it would be hard to fully imagine the other gender, but I think that is actually one of the reasons I like your blog so much.

I have a slight disclaimer of sorts on my "about this blog" page...it came about because of a review someone did of me over at adult blog hub. It was a good review, better than most reviewers are, I think--he actually said some things that were very helpful to me. Perceptive, and not just about ladling out praise.
Anyway, one of his points made me realise that someone new coming to my blog might think some of it was written as erotica. the secondperson mode of address, You, for the male perspective. He said that this encouraged the male reader to wrte himself in.
This creeped me out, frankly. There is a very specific "you' here, and I wanted to be sure that information was apparent to anyone.

very best wishes,
O

 

v!

hello my love. How are you and your lovely one? i've missed you both.
I'm so glad you liked it, thank you.

xoxox
O

 

Syl,

as always, so many excellent points! some of them deserve a seperate post...here goes for now:

i think there are two issues here, as I partly said above to anastasia and also alphagirl, I think: there's the issue about narrative truth, and then there's an issue about just truth.

What i mean to say is, first, of course there are all these worries about the possibility of any narrative being 'the truth', the kind of worries that seem part of modernism or postmodernism (someone help me out here--some lit theory people)--the realisation of a kind of relativism, the debunking of a the idea of a single authoritative narrator.
You also raise the issue of authorial intent, and whether that trumps reader interpretation. It's along those lines that I'd say Nin has value: many people find value in her work, but it's not the value of a life truly recorded.

The other issues you raise generally fall under what i'd call memoir. The issue about deletion:
there are a lot of reasons why posts are deleted. Most of my last blog has been drafted. This isn't really because of a personal discomfort on my part. This is because I realised that that information was suddenly potentially damaging to the person I wrote about then. I have drafted everything until I think he's safe.

I have also drafted posts because I came to learn they had caused pain to someone else. That's a rather vague way of putting it. But i don't mean that I wrote something and the object of it felt badly used or something. It wouldn't be pretty to write about a married person unknowingly and then have the wife find it, would it?--that's not what happened, but it's close enough.

But I can imagine loads of reasons why a blog might have posts go awol, and I don't think that the rules change because it's the internet. In the print world, the author has the right to make revisions and additions to further editions, and why should it change here?

I worry about the damage people cause by claiming their lives are a particular way, and by implication encouraging others to be the same, when in fact that reality doesn't exist. I've written posts about the danger.

You'll have to leave me the links, i think I may have missed them. that's something I'd like to write about also.
I think it can be very dangerous. Anastasia's second comment says more on that, and I will address some of that below in answering her.
For now, I'll say I often worry about that when it comes to blogs about sex especially. I really only had in mind personal blogs and the kind of factitious disorder that can infect them! but this is turning into a sex-blog specific comment thread...thank you for making me think

love
O

 

Super O. Well...it could be that the details of one's life, once translated into the sterile typeface, are not so great. Hard to capture the feelings, at times. So, add on's, sprinkles and frosting become easier and easier to rationalize.

Example-I was at a 6 hour babyshower event recently (will write on it later) and I was amazed at how the commonplace event of being a Mom was not it; every pain, every checkup, every memory had to be amplified until it was The Big Story. It was not enough to share, or even just be. For a mother, I would think the rhythm is just as natural as walking.

But for that time, it had to be more than, greater than, beyond equal to.

I think that may be the slippery slope down which that the fictive blogger is hurtling.

I mentioned before that writing about s-e-x was not enough for me. But writing about the feeling are often way too much. In the dry middle ground, I often stand motionless and do nothing.

The 'nothing' is much more taxing for me than anything 'something'.

Glad to read your burning arrow words again. I like many, have missed you.

always yours,
-p

 

Amazing post O you've captured a sentiment that many of us "old" bloggers have felt when we recognise a blogger who has created a suspicious "true" world. I too have wondered what they might be thinking and why they don't want to live their own life.

 

O,
Thought provoking as always...

For some part, what I write into my Blog begins with a personal experience. There are however, times that a post is borne of pure fiction. Short stories that reside in the storyteller part of my heart. I chose to let these stories come to life in words on a screen partly to share them and partly to let them go. However accountable some posts in my blog may appear, Intent for them to be the true account of my life is not openly expressed. The events of my life that I choose to share parts of, fictionalize parts of, or just embellish from a storytellers prerogative are not intended to become "Me". Like SSS I now wonder if I appear as misleading, or the type of Blogger who resorts to trickery. Even if I state in my header that there is fact, fantasy and fiction mixed throughout the posts, I wonder sometimes if that header is really ever read.

There is at times a very specific, her or she as it were, in my posts. Specific to me. Even if that ‘she’ or ‘her’ is fictionalized to others. And I can honestly admit, when I go to sleep at night, long after the glow of the monitor has waned,I am a very happy individual. My life is my life; my Blog is nothing more than a biopsy of the parts I may later wish to diagnose.

 

beloved p,

I mentioned before that writing about s-e-x was not enough for me. But writing about the feeling are often way too much. In the dry middle ground, I often stand motionless and do nothing.

yes, yes...me too. I understand only too well.
feelings *are* hard to capture...and anyone can write about sex, in a way. I wouldn't consider it a compliment to be called someone's favourite author of erotica. Depending on the source, I would think it would be pretty clear that is at very best, a backhanded compliment. But some people only aspire to that and for them, I say, great, have at it. Let a hundred flowers bloom. :)

I almost mentioned this last week, in remarking that all the best "sex blogs" and writings "about sex" are always about far more than sex, in my opinion.

I'm looking forward to reading about the baby shower! and i am writing you an email at last. I've missed you also--

love
O

 

Hi shay,

how nice to see you; thank you. I'm glad you liked it.
i try to figure out what it's like. I think it must be unbearably painful. The fake life is probably created as a refuge from the emptiness and pain of the real one, but then the fake one has to be become a source of pain and isolation--because no one knows you, or your real circumstances....all i can think is that it must be incredibly lonely.

hugs
O

 

Dear Anastastia,

Wow, so much good stuff to respond to, thank you!

The most recent example I can give is a post I actually deleted because it actually turned into something that would have affected too many people within my family, and this wasn’t sex related, just a general post regarding my week long absence. What I took to be a general everyday event, turned into something more and I had to actually call home to have it deleted.

Oh no--I hope everything is okay for you and yours. -- As I said to miss Syl above, I can think of many, many reasons why we might think twice or need to take down a post. I hope it worked out for all of you.

If I wrote about my sex life at present…I wouldn’t get past my own nausea. Call it a change of priorities, or a case of being fed up with the mating game, or whatever else; it’s the culmination of many things, as well as the demands of parenting and working, as well as writing. I understand the limitations set by people, as well as the need to maintain a degree of distance (relating to outside careers and the like), but sometimes it’s difficult to reconcile the peculiarities that are. For example, a person will go beyond what the mainstream (circles, groups, etc) consider personal, and then when it all comes to the fore, they distance themselves from their work - and it’s not easy to write about intimacy and sex in a manner that appeals to many people. And it is work, because certain things are expressed in a way to get to the crux of the matter/story/event. So while I can surely understand the need for relative obscurity, at the back of my mind I’m thinking ‘why, it’s not like they dismembered someone.’ So these two things run together in my mind; to promote sexuality as something not to be ashamed of, and to somewhat distance oneself (not everyone does this, but a few do if the heat turns up a notch or three) contradicts the prime purpose of reducing the shame factor.

I've thought about this last bit before--in relation to that last discussion we had, I think both susie bright and figleaf had expressed ideas around then, something like: why should sex be something hidden, we should be able to talk about it openly...

So i definitely have felt what you describe. So someone likes to be spanked--why does that need to be hidden?--Doesn't it make it seem like a shameful thing, this insistence on anonymity?--But i don't think it's that simple, or not always. CG says in a post I linked that 'we call them privates for a reason', and that mostly captures it for me. I don't need my casual aquaintances knowing this sort of information about me. And it's not a matter of shame-for everyone close to me has read my blog, or knows of it and the sorts of things in it--it's more a matter of retaining the right of choice as to with whom I will share that information, and in what fashion.


What makes non fiction appealing is its authenticity. Fiction is fun, sure, but non fiction is juicier because the reader glimpses (to a degree) the writer/blogger’s approach to their own set of challenges. The personal situations may differ, but the types of problems may be similar, and a reader (who may not have anyone to talk to about such things, or be in a rut, or whatever else) may view the writings as a form of advice, or another facet of similar problem they’ve experienced or are experiencing,

I think that's why we get angry when something is presented as fact, and turns out to be fiction. I'm thinking of the real story behind the Night Listener, or the James frey debacle, or JT Leroy, to name some in the literary community from just this year or so.

I can understand the purpose of disclaimers, in that they’re supposed to serve as a preemptive warning to potential stalkers, but if a person’s unbalanced, a disclaimer isn’t going to reduce the risk of a stalker.

I know just what you mean. I've seen the disclaimers you mean, and I've never personally bothered posting one for exactly that reason. I always figured everything in it was obvious to the non-disturbed, and the disturbed wouldn't care.
I can think of one that does have some advice for friends of the blogger who have stumbled upon the blog, and I think that might be useful though.

there are many inconistencies that should have disclaimers, but the most disclaimers are featured in personal blogs that don't write about the biological elements of sexuality. So many people may read things that are untrue, or wholly fictional, and then think that there's something wrong with them physically if they're not as sexually responsive as an article proclaims.

This is something Miss Syl touched on above also. It is worrisome. There have been many times in reading something that escribes an act I have performed, and something about it is clearly false. That's one kind of lie, and it makes you worry for someone inexperienced finding it and forming their ideas of sex from it.
There's another kind that portrays a different sort of fantasy of sex: the kind without emotional consequences. I think that's dangerous too, in that it's misleading to a reader...and as you say, the reader may think there's something wrong with them, if they feel differently.

I think one reason is a type of validation, which is fine.

Oh, definitely. And that's fine, most of the time. Don't we all need and want validation in our lives?--the danger can come when one is in a community where one receives validation/encouragement for harmful acts. Lots of blogs or forums can act as a cheering section for someone who is maybe not behaving in the healthiest of ways....I'm thinking of all the pro-anorexia blogs and sites out there, or the ways pedophiles (and who knows who else) can find a community, one which actually reassures them that their proclivities are normal.

It all depends on what a writer desires, but I wouldn’t call a diarist a writer because a diary doesn’t involve any manipulation of language, it’s very simple, and repetitive.

I'd completely agree with you on this, as a mere diarist and not a writer. :) I've said more than once before that whatever it is that I do in this space, it isn't something for which I'd call myself a writer.

in terms of writing for little payment (with the exception of comments as payments) I'm not sure of the value - in terms of myself. It doesn’t put food on the table, pay my bills, my child’s school fees but besides this, I don‘t get a creative buzz out of writing about my daily events. But it’s different for others, and that’s cool. It’s not to say that the few stories I get published pay all my bills, but they may pay for, let’s say a couple of school books or a school excursion, and that’s something that no commenter can give me, which is why my writing outside the blog is more valuable or meaningful to me, if that makes sense but at the same time I think it’s important for some type of cohesion rather than rivalry.

That makes perfect sense to me. It's actually one reason why this writing here, as personal as it is, isn't ultimately what matters to me. I write very different things in my real life as a grad student, and that's the writing with which my real sense of self is bound up. I think very few have the ability to be a writer in your sense.

i don't keep a diary, never have, and I can't write longhand fast enough. That's probably part of the reason why this stuff winds up here. And i do appreciate everyone who takes time to comment...I probably eceive the most pleasure and the most validation though from a post like this, one which is more about the thinky and the abstract, and one which people respond to as you have.

Everyone has their own style, and preference. People express themselves differently, some things may or may not appeal; if a person doesn’t like certain content, then they can exercise their right not to read any further, and that’s it but not to take their sole view and transfer it across cyberspace to others, to say ‘don’t read this, because the person has this or that view.’ Every person has a different cultural background, and a different perception of life as it unfolds around them. Some people prefer blondes, others prefer chunky asses, and others still, don’t want to know about blondes and chunky asses (for example), and that’s the diversity that is.

Which is the way it should be, especially out here in the allegedly permissive sex blogging world. I get queasy when i find an allegedly sex-positive site that contains homophobic content, for example....I would make an exception for sites that have child pornography, though, or that advocate sexual violence (nonconsenting, i'm talking about rape, assault.--not fantasies.)

The high school comparison is the closest I can come to describing a sometime phenomenon that I came across last year and it’s like the saying ‘too many cooks spoil the broth,’ meaning that one event, that’s between two people (or a small group of people) becomes something else when interference occurs, to the point where things are distorted, and no one knows who’s telling the truth, and is it possible to tell the complete truth? Blogs are mainly for entertainment value: literary, fun, etc.

well, they certainly should be! and I don't like the Rashomon effect or the echo chamber effect. Best to judge people on their own merits, I think, and what we observe. High school is a good metaphor for it.

Thanks again; you've given me much to think about, and probably material for a few other posts. I will link you among others here if I do them--but there's not much time right now for blogging here of late.

very best
O

 

damn you people! i jest--i should be working and yet these are all such thoughtprovoking comments...Ryder, it's lovely to see you again, I'll answer you later also when I'm back.

best
O

 

I fear I may, as usual, be late to the party, but this issue is wonderful and the comments are great. Many things to consider and think about from everyone. Thank you once again O.

I'll try not to tread on ground already covered. But my thought is that so much of what we are talking about here, depends on the individual and their personal reasons for blogging in the first place. What they want out of the experience. I blog for man reasons, some of which I suspect may be unique to me alone, or at least shared by few others. Other bloggers may do what they do for completely different reasons and motivations. The source is important to consider I believe.

Having said that, all words are untruths to one degree or another. This is a debate going back many years within the literary community and we won't solve it here. Suffice to say that the artifice of writing is inherently false, to one degree or another. Simply the act itself, for no writer, despite earnest intent, can be perfectly honest or truthful. This is often more of an issue in non-fiction, than it is in fiction. Which shows more of the paradox inherent in the act, than anything else possibly could.

Having said those two thing however, as a reader and a writer, I would like to believe in what I read. Obviously fiction, or obvious fiction, is one thing. But posts that are presented as non-fictional accounts are another. One would like nothing more than to believe, to one degree or another, that the account is accurate. As much as is humanly possible at least.

And here, for me, is where we run into a difficult roadblock. How do we know? There are many things that may illicit a tingle in our "radar", perhaps something rings untrue, or something we remember from a previous post doesn't match, or any number of other things. In that case, I will often stop reading, because the blogger/writer has destroyed my trust. And I believe trust is an important element in what we do, in a blog, or in a book/article, wherever. It is hard to become emotionally attached to something, or someone, and have that pulled out from under you. It can be traumatic. It can cause problems between people that last for a long time.

In my own case, the Lady and I decided months ago to no longer share the intimate details of our sex life on TSB. This was a personal decision between us, and one we revisit often, but based on the level of disclosure that we were comfortable with. In our case however, anonymity is not a shield that we need to hide behind, it is simply a temporary necessity based on our lives at the moment. Each day that passes it becomes less and less and issue for us. And that level of truthfulness was imposed on us by outside forces I might add, and not something that we choose for ourselves.

To the original point, I don't see my own blog as a diary, or a sex blog, or a memoir, but as a magazine that I write each day. It contains fiction, non-fiction, humor, cartoons, movie reviews, commentary, editorials, self-help, whatever I feel like writing about at the time. Whatever interests me at that moment. And hopefully it also interests a small group of readers as well. But that is really beside the point for me.

In the end, I know that many bloggers have created falsehoods on and within their blogs. The sudden and unexplained ability to write more than a person with a life, a family, a job, could possibly do, as Anna said, for "Free" is silly and I don't really know who they are trying to fool. Or, for that matter, why. But again, that is a source that is alien to me and so I suspect I may never understand it.

In the final analysis I believe that the more truthful and honest bloggers stand out, perhaps they are not as popular for the moment as some, but they tend to last and stick to it. And hopefully some measure of personal satisfaction can be gained from that knowledge.

 

O,

Forgive me for not fully answering your fully-deserving-of-a-full-answer response. It is late and I am exhausted and want only bed.

But you asked for a link, so here is the post I was talking about.

In my memory, it was very much about what I stated in my previous comment. As I re-read it, though, I see that what was in my MIND when I was writing it, and what I chose to focus on difffered a bit. I see that I was being somewhat politic in the post. I didn't want it to come off as though I was making an indictment of all sex blogs, or that I was implying all sex bloggers were lying about their sex lives. So instead, I angled it more to focus on sex bloggers' somewhat limited representation of their lives and the dangers of drawing faulty conclusions or comparisons based on that limited representation.

But in truth, underneath it all, I was very much thinking quite a bit about people who may be fictionalizing or "amping up" the descriptions of their sex lives on on a blog, and the dangers that can cause by implication.

It occurs to me as I wrote that last sentence that are some definite parallels that might be made between this and the influence of porn on popular sexual culture...

 

firstly let me say that this is a wonderful post but that it leaves me vaguely uncomfortable. i started my 'sex' blog in september as a vehicle to explore my own very shy sex drive.

i went looking for my sex drive and over time i learned that reading sex blogs got me aroused... so then i started one of my own and i learned that writing smut got me aroused!

well well well said i, i must continue with this.

in order to not imply that i was living this crazy life i've done two things. i mention in my sidebar that i'm writing what i wish i was doing and i tag my posts.

those based on a true experience but embellished get tagged 'life' and 'sex fantasy' those with no basis in fact get no 'life' and those that are entirely true get 'war stories'

and yet still when i read this "But in truth, underneath it all, I was very much thinking quite a bit about people who may be fictionalizing or "amping up" the descriptions of their sex lives on on a blog, and the dangers that can cause by implication."

i wonder if my little exploration of my own dark corners is somehow dangerous to a younger or more innocent mind. and then i wonder if i should have up some sort of disclaimer and then and then and then...

i will note one thing though, writing smut pales quickly and seems always to lead to either a blog dying or the blogger moving toward a deeper exploration of their own reasons and being...

 

What interests me the most in your post is not just this notion of fiction v. non-fiction (which I'll return to); it's the aspect of self-promotion you brought up -- the strategy of inventing personae to say nice things about one's self. That kind of publicity campaign has become accepted strategy for marketing products and even political ideas, so I suppose we shouldn't be surprised to see it applied to blogging. But I guess my question is, to what end?

Comments here have thoroughly and intelligently discussed strategies of fiction and nonfiction and why a writer would choose one or the other or a mix of each, and I think those are great, fascinating, smart discussions to have. But what I really wonder is, what (if anything) does it say about a person's writing if publicizing his (or her) work is more important to him than creating it in the first place. And further, if the "product" he is trying to sell is authenticity, what does it say about that product if he uses deception to sell it?

I am a singer/songwriter, and I blog about music. The reason I have a blog is to promote my music, pure and simple. For me, music only works in the context of an audience, and I prefer that audience to be wider if possible. Theoretically, if I could attract more people to my blog, I could achieve a wider audience for my music. So I have an incentive to use whatever means of promotion I can think of and really make a job of it. But if my songs aren't any good, no amount of my pretending to be a lot of people saying they're great will change that fact. As my general lack of comments and low readership show, I prefer not to make a job of it; I just write about what's going on with my music, link to it here and there, and let the chips fall. I suspect that's what most bloggers do who aren't trying to turn their writing into some kind of cottage industry.

Finally, with regard to the fiction/non-fiction issue: I think authenticity and biographical/historical accuracy are different, and they're not exclusive. Good writing can be very authentic without being strictly biographical, and there's nothing wrong or dishonest about that. I've written a bit about this in the context of songwriting here and here, the latter drawing a very smart comment from a very smart person.

 

I wanted to send you a note on this very special day. A thank you for all you have done for me. There really are no words that can express how much your friendship has meant to me, so I will use the only word that seems to fit. I adore you. Absolutely.

You have been my light through the darkness, my safe harbor during the tempest. My constant in a world of fleeting connections. My rock.

Since I can't be there personally to wrap my arms around you and show you how much you mean to me, these words will have to suffice.
You are my heart.

Happy Valentines Day!

Tricia

 

Dear Ryder,

I think that what you intend, as with SSS, is very obvious from the quality of the writing, to the attentive reader. At least so it has always seemed to me...and that's even before your header is read, which i at least did. :)
It's hard to explain, but the narrative voice just becomes clear over time to anyone. This has been a very interesting discussion, it's changed from what i posted about, and now seems to be about all narrative...much food for thought here. Thank you as always....I've missed you.

Best,
O

 

Art,
you know it's never a party til you get here!

I loved this comment, and your post over on TSB about why you blog, I haven't ad time to comment anywhere but you've been in my thoughts.
It's interesting how after a while we become more reluctant, not less, to divulge personal information. I wonder why that is...
and your characterisation of your own blog as a kind of magazine--that seems exactly right to me. You really do have such a range and something for everyone at all. Happy belated valentine's Day to you and your Lady; I hope the coming year brings you both all you would want.
Much love
O

 

Badinfluence girl,
Hi, thanks for commenting here! It's so interesting to see the different turns this conversation here has taken....I've wondered too about the ways in which all writing as Art says above is perspectival, and I've also wondered at times about the issues Miss Syl raises, about the ways in which a portrayal of sex almost inevitably --not romanticises it, necessarily, but filters it, in a way.
I've been meaning to read more of your blog ever since your wonderful interview with para over at CV--forgive me for not having done so sooner, too much work. :(

best
O

 

Valmont,

thank you, as ever. :)

xo
O

 

well, i wrote a story called redwoods in which they end up with her pressed into the hood of the car and he fucking her from behind.

that so would NEVER have worked and what we really did was put down the passenger seat and fuck half in and half out of the car... but that doesn't make good smut or good imagery.

so yes, reality is filtered and turned into hrm... fantality or something. most of the story is true but it's been... tweaked for your viewing pleasure...

kind of like wide screen movies on tv :)

 

"Mama, don't let your babies grow up to be bloggers...."

Deconstruction (a half-right theory now seemingly out-of-date) should have taught us to be suspicious of the written word, yet it remains deeply seductive. I have suspicions about all bloggers, including myself, since I know as a writer I must make choices about what to include and exclude in any account, even one as personal and "true" as my own.

 

I'm reading sometimes... not every day... but I'm always amazed byt the quality of your writings... I am not English speaking by nature... so, my English tends to be approximation of what I would really want to write...
I am interested by the honnesty that could be requested from a blogger... Why and... why not?
I don't mind if what I read is total fiction... I don't mind if it is total truth... Who am I to tell the difference anyway...
I know only for myself... and maybe this is a reason (between others) that my blog isn't popular... I am too true... I feel it all depends on the purpose of the blog... If you blog to have fun, or to make friends, or to vent, or to share... or to yourself... I basically write for myself... and my love... so I have to be truthful, at least for me and him... others? Humm... they can believe what they want... I am suffering from BPD... and the pain I express, so badly, is true in everything I could write... The love and devotion I feel out of this illness are also true...
Maybe is it that pain that is keeping readers away... maybe is it that truth that is difficult to read... out of the bad English issue..
I really enjoy this post... thank you for the nice thinking time I got from it...