eros, logos: possession

Thursday, December 21, 2006

possession

I dreamt not long ago of turning away from a mirror, peeling my face off like a mask and handing it to my lover's wife, a gift she wanted and I could not refuse to give.
What i remember is my fear afterwards. I didn't want to look back in the mirror, I was afraid of what I'd see then. This fear made me wake, kept me from sleeping again.

Writing about (X) here feels like that. What I have to say--I despair of conveying it. All my own words seem like that snapshot, crude, glaring...and what I have to convey is crude and glaring. But what is the point of writing anything, if we do not aim at truth? I want to do it though; I nerve myself to do it. Turn back to the mirror, write what I see.

He's not aware, my lover. He's aware yet not aware.
He dreams awake. Unlike me he dreams often and vividly and he tells me of them.
He dreams we're both 21 and he's moving to my city to be with me. I know the math and the dates; he is dreaming his marriage out of existence.

He dreams he's at a table in an office, a bank, somewhere in this city.
He's signing his will.
I am under the table naked on my knees with his cock down my throat. (do i ask him, and were you changing your will, in this dream? --of course I do not. I would guess that he is, or that he is not but signs while his wife sits across the table, all unknowing. It seems to me that this is a dream about betrayal. Her, or me? Both, I think. It's about betraying both.)

He starts telling me everything. About when he fucks her, how often, what happens. I'm the invisible and unwilling third imported. I am an observer of these intimacies. He plagiarises from us sexually; what he learns from me he now does with her.

Our first fight. That night he wakes up and fucks her wordlessly in the dark from behind. When he's coming he almost calls her by my name. He tells me after--this one time, he says, I am not sorry I thought of you when fucking my wife.

My wife, he says, my wife. Oh I know her name and so much about her, and we use her name, but sometimes like now he calls her my wife--these words fall on me like a punch or kick would and have. In them I hear both possession and being owned.

I believe he uses these words, my wife, to heighten his own sense of betrayal. There is some thrill that comes with using them to me, in certain circumstanes. Like this:

---I start to write it, I still can't.

posted by O @ 20:39


37 Comments:
At 22 December, 2006, Anonymous said… The glaring jagged pain that prompts your writing sears through me. The betrayal of which you speak -- it's not only of (X) to his wife, it's of (X) to you. He betrays you by not according you the respect and love due you; he betrays you by wanting and wishing the clock turned back; he betrays you by flaunting the possessive that he cannot escape. And you, you write truth, and you hurt, and I read, and i want to weep. "But what is the point of writing anything, if we do not aim at truth? I want to do it though; I nerve myself to do it. Turn back to the mirror, write what I see." Brava, dear O. At 22 December, 2006, kindabiz said… I can understand yr feelings of rage ... sadness and hurt !! My Wife ???? U will find in yrself the way to happiness. Merry Christmas ! At 22 December, 2006, anna said… I'm just wondering; do you ever think that you deserve better or more? Do you ever consider ending this relationship, not for him or his wife, but for yourself? At 22 December, 2006, What the Chuck said… Hi O, Great writing-- so insightful. Telling the truth, indeed. XO Chuck At 22 December, 2006, Anonymous said… that took me back to that desperately delicate balance that could flip in an instant steal away the thrills from the moments that we stole together. At 24 December, 2006, Anonymous said… o, Happy Holidays... I hope you find peace and joy this holiday season in life and in your dreams. alphagirl At 25 December, 2006, Unknown said… i hurt when i read this O. this deep inner pain. he seems so conflicted and it feels like he wants to pull you with him. would you go? i think i know the answer. you are in my mind and heart O. p.s. i will write that email to you i promise, when this chaos goes away. love, G At 25 December, 2006, T - Another Geek Girl said… Look, if you're going to go giving away your face I have dibs on it. I think it'll come in handy when I want to get laid or with that cute waiter at the Italian restaurant -- or that man-child we spoke of before - Koo-koo-ka-choo Mrs. Robinson! PS. He's betraying no one but himself. Such is the peril when good guys do bad things. At least he feels conflicted, it's a sure sign that inside he is a good person and cannot easily reconcile himself to his betrayal of you both. Not that it makes it any easier for you, but at least he's not just some ho who can do this without guilt or struggle. I don't think you're the only one who is having trouble looking in that mirror - I would imagine that he fears what he will see just as much. You want I should slap him around for you a bit? Cause I will. You just say the word. I can't wait for you to get here sweetheart. We are going to have so much fun! You've shown me your town, now I get to show you mine! I'm holding up Christmas for you too. Your stocking is hung, and well I might add ;) I even included batteries. I love you baby! Merry Christmas! At 26 December, 2006, O said… Juno, thank you darling; you're the best. kisses O At 26 December, 2006, O said… Mrs Robinson, You just like slapping men around! you cant have my face now; someone is sitting on it love O At 26 December, 2006, T - Another Geek Girl said… Pardoany moowa, I thought you sounded muffled. Ah Quel grand mystere! You are bi-friendly! I thought that slapping men around was one of your favorite past times? Please don't kill the illusion. I have men lined up waiting, their bottoms bared for your visit. You don't want to disappoint the asses... I mean the masses. At 26 December, 2006, O said… I am kind and considerate and always prepared. I am a friend to male animals. or should that be Amiee? I am a friend to bicycles and bivalves. I am also a fraud: it's true I cannot parley teh Frahn-say like some--for example, I would say au courant when others use haute couture--but the real secret of my fraudulence is this: I can neither read nor write. In any language. At 26 December, 2006, T - Another Geek Girl said… Au courant? I love spreading that on my sandwiches. It goes best on a fried dichotomy sandwich with a side of gray poop-on. Just stick with me babe, I'll teach you to read and write as well as I due :) Besides, you can misuse words and sound like a total idiot as long as the words are long and you don't mention that clown college you went to. PS. Please throw in as many obscure literary references as possible. You don't even have to be able read them! At 26 December, 2006, O said… who is grey, and why do you let him poupon your sandwiches? BTW, thanks for earlier. You are right. I wonder how many married men spent xmas eve on the phone with another woman? Survey says...! many. Alas. I mean, alors. It's all comme il faut though. I love that google babelfish that inserts literary references. It works almost as well as the english-french translator. If you went to a clown college, that is. At 26 December, 2006, O said… when we are old, I know we will be selling fried green dichotomies at the whistlestop cafe. Also tenesseee ham and strawberry jam and we won't lose any sleep at night. At 26 December, 2006, T - Another Geek Girl said… Clown college - Doh! I love my redneck french translator. Now I can order creeps and polly fussay and fool them all! Mwahahaha And the babelfish said... "For a moment, nothing happened. Then, after a second or so, nothing continued to happen." Kind of like waiting for you to post... At 26 December, 2006, O said… I know Polly Fussey! she married paulie fussey, that guy with the sanitation business in the bronx. Her sisters Bree and Camembear help out with the books. Wait away, my pretty. Not being able to read or write means it takes me a while to bribe some homeless person to blog for me. I learned how to fit a lot of people into a tiny car at clown college, but not much else.:) Nothing, like something, happens anywhere. At 26 December, 2006, T - Another Geek Girl said… Now that was very obscure! I'm so impressed. Did you play 'pin the tail on the poet' to get that one? And the Babel fish said... Doot da doot do doot Hey O - take a walk on the Wilde side. You know.. I never really thought about it before, but you do write very much like a homeless man. At 26 December, 2006, O said… i love larkin but he doesn't love me. O leave thy lily-flowered bed how did you know? She will not come, I know her well, not well enough, it seems. the problem isn't me coming, it's getting me to leave! being a homeless man and all, i steal towels and lilly scented douches while you sleep. At 26 December, 2006, T - Another Geek Girl said… I'm so glad you let me know before your visit. I'll hide my douches and only serve you half eaten tuna sandwiches. I remember you well in the Chelsea Hotel, you were talking so brave and so sweet, giving me head on the unmade bed, while your homeless friends wait in the street. The joke really is on you, you've been posting on my blog for a month and you couldn't even read it! Ha! Just remember; when all else fails; throw in lots of semi-colons; they make you look smart. At 27 December, 2006, Anonymous said… Chilling. I have not been here myself, but somehow, I know this feeling. At 28 December, 2006, Anonymous said… Mon chéri O, j'ai laissé tomber une larme dans l'océan, Untill le jour où je constate que la larme, je ne jettera pas plus pour le thee At 29 December, 2006, Anonymous said… I would imagine hearing those words "my wife" from someone you are passionately in love with brings great pain and can only imagine what I would feel if I was in your position. I have had men do this, but it is in a different context so have always had a different hit on it. I have always felt irritated when I hear it. I feel a dishonoring there for the wife, like he will not recognise her identity outside of how it pertains in relation to him. To call forth her name brings her present, requires that she be considered. By calling her "my wife" only he exists, she is just a part of him. Anyway...this was always my hit on it, my projection. And so, just in case they had forgotten what her name was, whenever those words were spoken, I would say..."oh.. you mean, Wife's Name?" And..being as you are in the middle of it, truth is, all I want to do is send you a hug. At 30 December, 2006, Anonymous said… I understand and know your pain. My heart aches for you. Wonderful and honest post. At 01 January, 2007, Anonymous said… Words can be either a cuddly blanket, or a blazing hot knife. Thinking of you.... -p At 02 January, 2007, learn said… Hey sweet O, You and Tricia crack me up. You had me at 'au courant', there was no need to spread it on dichotomy sandwiches. Miss you still, so just wanted to leave you a message. Hope you entered the new year with much fun and laughter. He's aware yet not aware. That line struck me the most. I can feel the difficulty of knowing that about him, when you are trying to see it, write it as it is, exactly as it is. Thoughts and kisses in your specific direction, O! love, learn At 02 January, 2007, ArtfulDodger said… Dearest O, missed you over the holidays and thoughts often turned to wonder and hope that you are well and that these moments pass and new moments await. Sweet thinking and dreams for renewed spirits in days still to come. At 03 January, 2007, Anonymous said… I love your site. It reminds me of my own at times. This one is a keeper. At 04 January, 2007, Scarlet said… My O, I can only echo the words of Juno, that you are worthy of so much more love and respect that has been paid. I read this and I am glad that soon we shall be together again, to laugh and to forget all that has come before, and to give each other hope of all that this new year will bring for us! You know, it can remain unsaid S xx At 06 January, 2007, T - Another Geek Girl said… Learn, thank you sweetheart, we've known each other for a very long time so I feel completely confident that I can take her in a jello wrestling contest. Or at least a jello eating contest. She will be here in a matter of days! I'm so excited. I have the most wonderful present for her... A new cardboard box! Shhhhhhh Nobody tell her umkay? I want it to be a surprise. We're going to work on this. I even got her a book on Fung Shui! This is going to be the best Christmas ever! At 06 January, 2007, learn said… Tricia, but could you take her on in a jello-slurping competition?? That's what I want to know. And ooo, if you do decide to do it, do it in her box. Just think of the snug acoustics! Ahem. K I'm gonna go work now. laughs, learn At 07 January, 2007, T - Another Geek Girl said… Learn, do you doubt my oral talents? Of course I can take O - then I'm coming after you! Just be warned. I can slurp a jello shot through a garden hose ;) I think we can fit three in her cardboard box. You know she went to clown college right? It can't be any smaller than a VW bug. I'm sure with a little contortionism we can make it work. Is contortionism a word? Let's consult the Magic 8 Ball. That's what O does when she's writing. And the Magic 8 Ball says... It Is Definitely So. Cool, contortionism it is! At 11 January, 2007, SoulSlave said… What a painful and beautiful post, O. These situations just never get happy. I feel for you. Soulslave. At 13 January, 2007, Sam said… O, dear T has led me to you. I have been there. for 4 years, off and on, until now. The divorce is in the works, but it isn't easier. I feel for you, your pain. If I were smart I'd say "go while you can," but I know you can't. Love doesn't let us choose. Be strong. At 16 January, 2007, Anonymous said… i miss you O. come back soon. sss At 17 January, 2007, Tom Paine said… I voted for you for best female sex blogger. I only wish you would drop in and bring some of your beauty and sadness to my blog. At 12 April, 2007, Anonymous said… Hi... I'm an admin of http://Adultsforum.com.au. I read your blog and it sound interesting to me.I would really appreciate it if you can contribute some content for the forum and you're exactly the type of users that we're looking for however no URL pls. THanks in advance.
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