eros, logos: in the desert

Monday, June 18, 2007

in the desert

More on maggie and my childhood soon, and answers to comments on the last post today. For now, this. X.

He was at home and we were on the phone.I could hear the baby. She was just under a year old and she cried a lot. I wasn't sure if she was teething or only colicky. He said it was colic but I suspected she was teething.

Sometimes he'd have to shush her. She woke up a few times during our conversation and he'd need to cradle the phone between ear and shoulder and hold her. after a while she was quiet and asleep in the other room.
Once she was asleep we talked about other things. I heard her beginning to wake up, and I wanted to tell him to go to her but it was too late. he was going to come and soon I would too. He wasnt going to put the phone down to soothe her. Rocking on the edge of something I heard her beginning to wake.

As he came and as I started to come I could hear myself repeated. In her truncated cries and hitching gasps I recognised the same sounds I was making at that moment. Both were involuntary and both expressing a kind of need and a kind of pain, helpless and inexorable.

I heard my own noises coming echoed. For the first time I heard myself on that edge as if I were a dispassionate observer, and what I heard was so much the same....I heard the sounds of a child without a mother.

[..]"because it is bitter"[...]
Stephen Crane, In the desert

posted by O @ 07:37


8 Comments:
At 18 June, 2007, learn said… Beautiful post, beautiful poem... (And beautiful heart.) I wrote to ya and I miss ya! Love, learn At 18 June, 2007, Anonymous said… Wow. Beautiful and searing. That's some seriously bad-ass painful writing. It's like a big shiny knife in word form. "kissy-kiss" feels inappropriate, c At 18 June, 2007, Gracie said… my lovely O, i know that feeling. that pain. why i think i sob every time i come. you write so beautifully. i love and hang on to every word you write. i miss you. G At 19 June, 2007, Lovelorn Swain said… Quite extraordinary. I wish we heard from you more often. At 22 June, 2007, Anonymous said… Your truthfulness and bravery are stunning and searing here, as always. I am often struck by how we become infantilized by sex in general and orgasm in particular. Even at our strongest and most confident moments, we come humbled and helpless. My lover says I look pained in that moment, that my face twists with it. Your post reminds me that I am not alone in my pain or pleasure, as your posts always do. At 23 June, 2007, alphagirl said… O, Once again you have moved me to tears for you and for all of us that struggle with those we love and our memories of the past and our hope for the future. alphagirl At 26 June, 2007, Anonymous said… Sorry to post this in the comments but there's no contact information on the site. I see that you’re a fan of erotica and I think I have the perfect book for you and your site audience. INSATIABLE is Heather Hunter's fictional novel inspired by her emergence as one of the most popular adult film stars of all time. As the first African American inducted into the AVN Hall of Fame and "the Queen of Hip Hop Sex" (according to Wendy Williams), Heather provides a rare glimpse at the real life of a porn star. Would you be interested in possibly reviewing INSATIABLE for your site? If so, I’d love to send you an advance readers’ copy. Contact me. At 05 July, 2007, Mermaid Girl said… I also wish we could hear your voice more often...because, as always, you write so very beautifully Ollie Girl.
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